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** DOGGY DICTIONARY **

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Most of the content of these humour pages comes from numerous sources, too many to list and most not verifyable in terms of origin, author or copyright. It is not our intent to infringe on anyone's copyright and if it is done, it is done unknowingly and we would be happy to remove the offending content.


 


Rott-n-gas

According to The World of Rottweilers, by Anna Katherine Nicholas, in 1905 only 1 Rottweiler bitch could be found living in Rottweil, Germany.

Now most people, upon seeing this comment, would believe that our beautiful breed was teetering on the verge of extinction. However, old government documents, recently unearthed in Berlin, reveal that this is simply not true.

The reason that only 1 Rottie could be found in Rottweil was because all of the other Rotties were confiscated for a top secret project by the German War Department. You see, even in those days a decade before WWI, European governments were already researching new weapons ideas.

German scientists confiscated the Rottweilers because they recognized a potentially deadly weapon --- Rottie Gas. However, the scientists realized that it would not be possible to have a line of Rotties standing on a battle field with rumps pointing toward the enemy. So they were trying to isolate whatever chemical compound made the gas so lethal, so that it could be used in bombs.

However, this experiment was a complete failure and the project was shut down shortly after the very unpleasant deaths of several of the scientists involved.

Because of this failure, when war did begin in Europe, both sides relied heavily upon mustard and chlorine gases .... both of which we all know are MUCH less lethal than Rottweiler Methane.

US government insiders have also mentioned a rumour that a couple of decades ago Washington also financed a special project involving Rottie Gas. In response to dwindling natural resources, the government wanted to find an alternate source of natural gas. However, according to these insiders, this progect was also shut down for similar reasons as the German one. Apparently, the gas ate through the protective plexiglass that contained it and killed 5 workers in the plant. The government quickly covered these deaths and decided to look for a safer power source ... like nuclear power.